Dear Luningning,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good. I’ve been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for It. These last two weeks have been hell. Mr. Lopez called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore, you don’t want sex anymore or anything. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore. Whatever the case is, I’m gone.
Your Ex-Husband,
Papi Willie
P.S. Don’t try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to Toronto together this summer! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and gripping. Too bad that doesn’t work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like Michael Jackson!” but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago…
I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my SISTER had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning…. and your silk boxers were $49.99! After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out, so when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for sixty-nine million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two first class tickets to Manila, but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime from me.
So take care.
Signed,
Luningning (Rich, Free & Available)
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but MARIA my SISTER, was born MARIO. I hope you don’t have a problem with your hemorrhoids.
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